Since I'm not acting out, I don't have this glaring sin that's blocking my communication with Jesus. At this stage in my recovery, the hardships of reality have me constantly running to Him for some type of comfort. And in my running, I am finding that He has been there all along waiting lovingly to receive me with open arms. It's funny because I never thought of God patiently waiting on me to love Him back. I always thought of Him upset and unwilling to spend time with me because of my sins. I now believe he grieved my behavior, not just because it would send my life into a downward spiral, but because it limited our communication. The only things He was able to bring to my attention was the sorrow of my sin and how much I needed to confess them and repent. I'm learning now he wants to spend time revealing more and more of Himself to me, not reminding me over and over of the sins I must confess.
I'm learning from my counselor about God's grace. To be honest, I have been in church all my life, but the proper concept of grace was never taught. It was always accompanied by works. This is why I never saw myself as good enough to be loved by God. God's grace has nothing to do with anything I have done, am going to do, or will do. It simply exist for me. Wow!! It's hard for a person like me to wrap my mind around that. I'm a doer. Give me the check off list and will feel satisfied once I've accomplished everything on it. But God, in His infinite wisdom, doesn't base his love on works. There is absolutely nothing that I can say or do to make Him love me more than he already does.
As a recovery sex addict, I've had a hard time accepting His Grace. Yes, I've repented and have walked away from the lifestyle, but the memorize of my past has shame living in the depths of my soul. Despite my shame, God still shows up so lovingly in my times of calling out to Him. He reminds me that the love He has for me is not based on how I feel. His love is patient, kind, and permanent. With each reminder, I'm learning to trust the truths He has revealed to me in his Word. I'm learning that He really does love me unconditionally and that our spiritual connection will never be broken. What a relief!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Lie
For years I believed it. I thought true love was suppose to be a never ending Utopian experience. Marriage for me has proven otherwise and after 15 years, I'm finally getting a glimpse of reality. All of my adult life, I have lived in denial. My eyes were blind to the fact that I had a problem. I thought everyone around me needed help, not me. I was the victim. I was the one that was molested. I was the one who was trying to make my marriage more interesting. I was the one...
Yes, I do have serious emotional needs that have never been met and for the first time, I'm learning that God is the only one that can rejuvenate my broken spirit.I am also learning that I'm worth fighting for. Many of my childhood wounds are still in need of cleansing, but as God sees fit, I'm working on them. I realize that healing is a process, and I don't have to be perfect as I stumble along this crazy, unpredictable path towards inner peace. God's grace is enough even when I'm tempted to drift off into my fantasy land. A place where my husband is perfect in every way and knows exactly what I need. A place filled with no bill payments, job responsibilities, or crying children. A place where love is made on the white sands of the Bahamas.
I know all of those things sound good, but I live in a fallen world. Nothing is going to be perfect until all Christians have been made new along with the new Heaven and the new Earth (which I very much look forward to). However, the lie of having perfection on this Earth has been fed to us daily by movies, magazines, television and commercials. My marriage is going to have bumps and bruises. Unfortunately because of my sexual addiction, I have caused a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean I have to stay down. Because of God's unshaming grace, I can face my faults.
Yes, I do have serious emotional needs that have never been met and for the first time, I'm learning that God is the only one that can rejuvenate my broken spirit.I am also learning that I'm worth fighting for. Many of my childhood wounds are still in need of cleansing, but as God sees fit, I'm working on them. I realize that healing is a process, and I don't have to be perfect as I stumble along this crazy, unpredictable path towards inner peace. God's grace is enough even when I'm tempted to drift off into my fantasy land. A place where my husband is perfect in every way and knows exactly what I need. A place filled with no bill payments, job responsibilities, or crying children. A place where love is made on the white sands of the Bahamas.
I know all of those things sound good, but I live in a fallen world. Nothing is going to be perfect until all Christians have been made new along with the new Heaven and the new Earth (which I very much look forward to). However, the lie of having perfection on this Earth has been fed to us daily by movies, magazines, television and commercials. My marriage is going to have bumps and bruises. Unfortunately because of my sexual addiction, I have caused a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean I have to stay down. Because of God's unshaming grace, I can face my faults.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Secret
I'm a Christian woman suffering with sex addiction. The moment I wrote the title for my blog my hand began shaking out of fear of rejection. There is so much shame attached to my addiction. Most people don't want to associate with a person like me once they know my vice, but to be honest I'm tired of hiding behind my shame. I want to be like the woman Jesus spoke to at the well. He told her about the secret sins of her life without condemning her and immediately she ran into town, the very place that shunned her because of her sin, and began to tell everyone about the hope that we all have because of Jesus' unconditional love for us.
Through counseling, accountability partners and a 12 step program, I'm learning for the first time in my 37 years how to live a healthy life. I was molested at twelve and the trauma I encountered mentally from this event stunted by ability to develop Godly intimacy. My emotional growth was stuck in 12 year old fantasy land, you know the place where you have crushes on your favorite teacher and the boy in 3rd period. I never grew out of that. I always searched for that butterfly feeling. Once that feeling was gone, so was I. I could never understand how my friends could have these long relationships. I got bored to easy with the same person. I was always on the search for the next emotional high a man could give me. I craved the butterfly feeling. It made me feel like I could conquer the world. There was no problem too hard and all the stress that were in my life seemed to disappear as long as I had that butterfly feeling relationship going on.
It wasn't until my third marital affair that my husband and I both realized I could not stop this addiction on my own. Yes, my husband is still in my life and he knows all of my secrets. God has a why of rebuilding relationship no matter how hard and unbelievable it seems. With each affair, I trusted God enough to tell the truth. Despite having to tell the terrible truth about my affairs, I still craved the sin. I craved the power of the butterfly feelings. It had become my drug of choice, and it allowed me to walk in denial of the harsh realities of my past.
God is the only one that can fill the empty wholes in my heart. At times, I still struggle with that realization. Going through the healing process brings up a lot of pain and at times I want to run to my old comfort zone. That is why having support around is so helpful to me. When I want to quit, I can just pick up the phone and reach out to my safe women friends I have found through Celebrate Recovery. They are also Christians suffering with all types addictions. God placed the right group of women in my life at the right time. He is so awesome. And if you are willing, He will do the same thing for you. Google Celebrate Recovery and take the first step toward your recovery.
Through counseling, accountability partners and a 12 step program, I'm learning for the first time in my 37 years how to live a healthy life. I was molested at twelve and the trauma I encountered mentally from this event stunted by ability to develop Godly intimacy. My emotional growth was stuck in 12 year old fantasy land, you know the place where you have crushes on your favorite teacher and the boy in 3rd period. I never grew out of that. I always searched for that butterfly feeling. Once that feeling was gone, so was I. I could never understand how my friends could have these long relationships. I got bored to easy with the same person. I was always on the search for the next emotional high a man could give me. I craved the butterfly feeling. It made me feel like I could conquer the world. There was no problem too hard and all the stress that were in my life seemed to disappear as long as I had that butterfly feeling relationship going on.
It wasn't until my third marital affair that my husband and I both realized I could not stop this addiction on my own. Yes, my husband is still in my life and he knows all of my secrets. God has a why of rebuilding relationship no matter how hard and unbelievable it seems. With each affair, I trusted God enough to tell the truth. Despite having to tell the terrible truth about my affairs, I still craved the sin. I craved the power of the butterfly feelings. It had become my drug of choice, and it allowed me to walk in denial of the harsh realities of my past.
God is the only one that can fill the empty wholes in my heart. At times, I still struggle with that realization. Going through the healing process brings up a lot of pain and at times I want to run to my old comfort zone. That is why having support around is so helpful to me. When I want to quit, I can just pick up the phone and reach out to my safe women friends I have found through Celebrate Recovery. They are also Christians suffering with all types addictions. God placed the right group of women in my life at the right time. He is so awesome. And if you are willing, He will do the same thing for you. Google Celebrate Recovery and take the first step toward your recovery.
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