The Secret

I'm a Christian woman suffering with sex addiction. The moment I wrote the title for my blog my hand began shaking out of fear of rejection. There is so much shame attached to my addiction. Most people don't want to associate with a person like me once they know my vice, but to be honest I'm tired of hiding behind my shame. I want to be like the woman Jesus spoke to at the well. He told her about the secret sins of her life without condemning her and immediately she ran into town, the very place that shunned her because of her sin, and began to tell everyone about the hope that we all have because of Jesus' unconditional love for us.

Through counseling, accountability partners and a 12 step program, I'm learning for the first time in my 37 years how to live a healthy life. I was molested at twelve and the trauma I encountered mentally from this event stunted by ability to develop Godly intimacy. My emotional growth was stuck in 12 year old fantasy land, you know the place where you have crushes on your favorite teacher and the boy in 3rd period. I never grew out of that. I always searched for that butterfly feeling. Once that feeling was gone, so was I. I could never understand how my friends could have these long relationships. I got bored to easy with the same person. I was always on the search for the next emotional high a man could give me. I craved the butterfly feeling. It made me feel like I could conquer the world. There was no problem too hard and all the stress that were in my life seemed to disappear as long as I had that butterfly feeling relationship going on.

It wasn't until my third marital affair that my husband and I both realized I could not stop this addiction on my own. Yes, my husband is still in my life and he knows all of my secrets. God has a why of rebuilding relationship no matter how hard and unbelievable it seems. With each affair, I trusted God enough to tell the truth. Despite having to tell the terrible truth about my affairs, I still craved the sin. I craved the power of the butterfly feelings. It had become my drug of choice, and it allowed me to walk in denial of the harsh realities of my past.

God is the only one that can fill the empty wholes in my heart. At times, I still struggle with that realization. Going through the healing process brings up a lot of pain and at times I want to run to my old comfort zone. That is why having support around is so helpful to me. When I want to quit, I can just pick up the phone and reach out to my safe women friends I have found through Celebrate Recovery. They are also Christians suffering with all types addictions. God placed the right group of women in my life at the right time. He is so awesome. And if you are willing, He will do the same thing for you. Google Celebrate Recovery and take the first step toward your recovery.